The Sexiest Men in Rock & Roll - A Scientific Study

"You want this."

Some think sexiness is in the eye of the beholder. But is it? Here at Silly Lists of Nothingness, we say its an exacting science that can be proved in labs with women in white coats using complex formulas that are beyond you, so don't worry pretty little head.

This isn't a case of "I think he's hot" as much as this guy is definitely hot - like, scientifically. These guys work it and they own it. We also threw in a few hot rock stars that are non-traditionally sexy but radiate that sexy vibe, which means there's hope for us all.

Here's the criteria which lead us to our findings:

• They ooze sexiness. They know they're sexy and show it off. They're cocky, sometimes literally.

• They look good in tight pants.

• They look good in tight pants.

The Top Ten Hottest Men in Rock

1. Jim Morrison


















Topping our list is the Lizard King himself. Jim Morrison stands heads and shoulders above the rest, according to our esteemed panel. In fact, he sets the standard for the rest of the list. The man oozes sexiness, from his leather pants to his pouty lips. He even passes out on stage sexy. Not everyone can pull that off.


2. Sting (The Early Days)

Young Sting was a HOTTIE. Tantric sex Sting of today is a little too rich and self-involved, not like the lean and hungry Sting of yesteryear. Just the video for "Don't Stand so Close to Me" alone created lifelong English teacher fantasies for women worldwide.


3. Jared Leto




"Big ego, maybe...but I'm smoking. Just try to deny me."


4. Michael Hutchence of INXS


"I'm feeling cocky....can't you tell?"


5. Rod Stewart (Early Days)




"I plan on fucking a lot. I mean, a lot, a lot."


6. Trent Reznor




"I want to fuck you like an animal."
Likewise, I'm sure.


7. Mick Jagger

"Please...this list was invented for me."

8. Robert Plant




"Yeah, right, Jagger."


9. Elvis Presley




"Easy, boys. I clearly started the whole thing."


10. Billy Squier




"Stroke me."


11. Freddie Mercury




"I'm non-traditionally sexy but I got "it" in spades."


12. Chris Cornell


"I don't know why I'm here."

(Cornell wasn't going to make the list but as our team of scientists reviewed more photos, it was decided amongst our team that he would "not be thrown out of bed for eating crackers" as Dr. Lanci put it.)

13. Prince


"Bitch please. I should be number one."


14. David Lee Roth


"Need I say more?"

The People You'll Say Should Have Made the List and Why They Didn't

...scientifically:

1. David Bowie - While he is elegant, stylish and charming, he isn't sexy per se. He's got a little bit of an alien element to him as well which isn't sexy, at least on this planet.

2. Jon Bon Jovi - First off, we did say "rock." And Jon Bon Jovi is good-looking - no doubt. But not sexy. He's kinda cookie cutter good-looking, like a Ken doll.

3. Jeff Buckley - He's a little too poetic and sad to be "rock out with his cock out," as Dr. Lawrence so aptly put it.

4. Kurt Cobain - Raw beauty indeed - but too damaged to be sexy.

5. Skidrow's Sebastian Bach - A little too pretty for his own good.

6. Chris Isaak - Good-looking in a 50's sort of way, but not sexy.

7. Bruce Springsteen - Earthy, gritty...but not sexy. (Though the album cover with his ass on it is a step in the right direction.)

8. Steven Tyler - Sequestered to this list due to poor online imagery.

"This isn't fair."

Thanks to my esteemed colleagues Dr. Ruby Lawrence and Dr. April Lanci-Leseur, whose level of professionalism is remarkable and scientific:

"Leave the science to us."

Famous Fights that Never Happened - Sinatra versus Cash

The Rules:

1. Two celebrities face-off in an imaginary fight.
2. Both are in their prime.
3. No weapons can be used.

Let's start the match, shall we?

In this corner, standing at 5'8, is Frank Sinatra.

Points in Sinatra's Favor:

• Sinatra was expelled from high school at 15 for rowdiness.

• His father, Martin, was an illiterate former prizefighter and fireman.

• Frank's dying words were "I'm losing" implying that even death was as a fight to him.

• Sinatra has a highly unpredictable temper. According to one source:
  

"Though his temper was excessive, Sinatra was known for going from extremely angry to somewhat amused in a matter of seconds. In one incident he dumped hot coffee on a casino manager named Carl Cohen, who had somehow gotten on the singer's wrong side. Cohen responded by punching Sinatra in the face, knocking out his front teeth. Sinatra than concluded, as he later told a friend, "never fight a Jew in the desert."

"For all of his life Sinatra had a very unpredictable temper, often screaming at reporters and getting in fights. In one particularly violent tantrum he ripped a phone out of the wall of his hotel room, broke the windows, and then set it on fire."

• Sinatra had endurance:
  

"Dean and Sammy, they couldn't hang," says Hank Cattaneo, Sinatra's concert production manager for the past 20 years. "They weren't in shape for it. After a half-hour, Dean would say, 'I gotta go to bed,' and then Sammy would say, 'Please, let me go too.' But the old man loved to hang, loved to talk and tell stories."

• Sinatra's favorite passion was prizefighting and was a "close friend" of Tami Mauriello, a heavyweight contender in 1943.

• A series of recent brawling incidents had been widely covered in the media on the night in 1957 when Sinatra and some of his Rat Pack pals dropped in on the act of insult comedian Don Rickles at a Hollywood club. Rickles, who spared no one during his act, immediately ad libbed: "Here's Frank Sinatra. Make yourself at home, Frank. Hit somebody." After an awed silence, broken only by a few titters on the floor, Sinatra laughed with gusto and the tension was broken.

• The Mob Connection - if Sinatra didn't win the fight, Cash would be swimming with the fishes. You don't disrespect Sinatra by kicking his ass.
  

Points working against Sinatra:

• He's a crooner and crooners aren't natural fighters.
• He's dead, making fights a challenge, overall.

In this corner, standing at 6'2 is Johnny Cash:

Points working in Cash's Favor:

• Cash may be a little cold-blooded with lyrics like:
  

  "I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die."

• Johnny had hard times in his blood: "Johnny Cash was born in rural, south-central Arkansas, on February 26, 1932." Ouch. That's got to hurt.
  

• Cash was of Scottish descent and Scots can be badasses occasionally.

• Cash was Southern and Southern people like to kick ass.
  

• Cash was high and high people are unpredictable with drug-induced superhuman strength:
  

"As his career was taking off in the early 1960s, Cash started drinking heavily and became addicted to amphetamines and barbiturates. For a brief time, he shared an apartment in Nashville with Waylon Jennings, who was heavily addicted to amphetamines. Cash used the uppers to stay awake during tours. Friends joked about his and erratic behavior, many ignoring the warning signs of his worsening drug addiction. In a behind-the-scenes look at The Johnny Cash Show, Cash claims to have "tried every drug there was to try."

• Cash often said fuck you to the man:
  

"In June 1965, his truck caught fire due to an overheated wheel bearing, triggering a forest fire that burned several hundred acres in Los Padres National Forest in California. When the judge asked Cash why he did it, Cash said, "I didn't do it, my truck did, and it's dead, so you can't question it." The fire destroyed 508 acres, burning the foliage off three mountains and killing 49 of the refuge's 53 endangered condors. Cash was unrepentant: "I don't care about your damn yellow buzzards."

• During a live performance of Kris Kristofferson's "Sunday Mornin' Comin' Down", Cash refused to change the lyrics to suit network executives, singing the song with its references to marijuana intact: "On a Sunday morning sidewalk / I'm wishin', Lord, that I was stoned."

Points working against Cash:

• He's a Pisces and Pisces can be real wusses.
• He too is dead, which makes fights more of a challenge.
• He posed like he did time in the slammer but he didn't really.
  

"Although Cash carefully cultivated a romantic outlaw image, he never served a prison sentence. Despite landing in jail seven times for misdemeanors, each stay lasted only a single night."

And the winner is?

FRANK SINATRA!


We believe from extensive research that whilst Cash was bigger and a badass in his own right, Sinatra is ruthless and soulless with brawling in his blood. We also believe that even though no weapons are to be used, Frank would disregard this rule and slice Cash before he knew what hit him.

Tune in next week when our Celebrity Fist Fight includes:

Steve Perry and Kate Bush

Thanks to Ms. Ruby Lawrence for her contributions.

24 People Who Look Like they Sound

This week's Silly List of Nothingness is composed of people (and some non-people) who look like they're supposed to. They were named correctly. You look at them and say, "Yep, that sounds about right."

Contributions by Ms. Ruby Lawrence.

1. Bob Seger

2. Margaret Thatcher



3. Abraham Lincoln (I'm not sure why he's on a 2 seater bike with a scary beaver peaking under his longcoat but regardless, the name "Abraham Lincoln" fits the bill.)

4. Vlad the Impaler - a practical name that says what it does. Clever! Jack the Ripper, Conan the Barbarian and Ivan the Terrible, hats off to you!

5. Julius Caeser - a heavyweight name for a heavyweight guy. The name says, "I'm not messing around. I'm Julius Caesar damnit."

6. Monkeys

7. Barbra Streisand (of course she spells Barbara differently. Of course. Diva.)

8. Liverwurst (aka "braunschweiger")

9. Maggots - what else would you call them? "Worms" doesn't quite cut it.

10. Gerard Depardieu

11. The Hell's Angels (Fuzzy Love Bunnies on Wheels was their second choice.)

12. Doris Day - when she's not sniffing roses, she's huffing glue. I swear.

13. Marlboros - They ain't no Virginia Slims.

14. Winston Churchill - I know, I know...TWO prime ministers in one list? But when if the name fits...

15. Mars - an aptly named planet...that's all I'm saying.



16. Nute Rockne - photo says it all.

17. Atilla the Hun

18. Lillies of the Valley

19. Joey Buttafuoco

20. Nellie Oleson from Little House on the Prairie - one of the best characters to grace television. Nellie Oleson IS Nellie Oleson.




21. Edgar Allan Poe (He's no Guy Smiley.)

22. Ernest Borgnine (If you've never seen it, watch Marty, one of the sweetest movies of all time. "But Ma, I'm ugly!")

23. Skunks

24. Pablo Picasso - well, what did you expect with a name like that? Trouble with a paintbrush.

The People Who are Talented but Annoying List

As I watched Law & Order, Criminal Intent, last night, I thought long and hard about Vincent Donofrio. He's a fine actor. More than fine - he's a very good actor. But he's a little annoying, with his over the top mannerisms and twitchy idiosyncrasies.

I fantasized about directing him in an episode of L & O where I'd eagerly instruct him to bring it down a notch. He wouldn't listen and we'd get into an overblown on-the-set argument. I'd win, even though he'd make me nervous due to his size (he's a kinda big guy) and the volatile temper I imagine him possessing.

Then it got me thinking about other performers who are obviously good but seem to grate my nerves a bit. Not just annoying actors, mind you - there are too many to list. These are annoying but talented celebs.

Some actors are beloved, right? Let's take a...John Ritter or a Matthew Broderick. Just likable people. And talented, no doubt (I loved John Ritter in Sling Blade and Matthew Broderick is a phenomenal actor - one of my faves.)

Some performers are equally as talented - but just not as likable, for whatever reason:

The Boys:

Jeremy Piven

Richard Dreyfuss

Vincent D'ononfrio

Billy Bob Thornton

Andy Kaufman

Nick Cage

Eminem

Robin Williams

Mike Myers

Russel Crow

Moby

Joaquin Phoenix

Daniel Day Lewis

Ben Stiller

Jimmy Stewart

Bill Murray

John Malkovich

Kenneth Branagh

Orson Welles

Prince

Sigmund Freud

Napoleon

Ralph Fiennes

Phillip Seymour Hoffman

Jim Carey

Jeffrey Koontz

The Girls:

Melanie Griffith/Meg Ryan

Amy Winehouse

Reese Witherspoon

Alicia Keys

Debra Messing

Celine Dion

Juliette Lewis

Greta Garbo

Cynthia Nixon

Barbra Streisand

Marie Curie

Diane Keaton

Tyne Daily

Vivien Leigh

Any others?

Thanks to the well-paid staff at Silly Lists of Nothingness for their contributions (Ruby, Joe, Anthony, Andy and Dea).

Thanks to the writers at Open Salon as well. I'll try to update and revise as suggestions come in.

Juliet suggested Ricky Gervais. He plays really annoying people but isn't really annoying. Still its an excuse to post one of my favorite clips of all time:

13 People Who Ruined it for Everyone Else

1. Pearl Jam

Eddie Vedder and Pearl Jam started a movement of self-serious, white guy rock that has been dismal and morose and needlessly melodramatic. Because of Pearl Jam, we’ve been forced to listen to the likes of Creed, Puddle of Mudd, Staind, Three Doors Down and a slew of other slacken-face maudlinites.

2. John Wayne

John Wayne’s tough guy, all-American machismo set a "stoicism at all costs" tone for generations. Our fathers and grandfathers emulated him, starting a chain of emotionally constipated men who pride themselves in their ability to restrain, like good little cowboys.

3. Later Elton John

Later Elton John ruined it for ruined it for earlier Elton John. Later Robert Deniro ruined it for earlier Robert DeNiro and Later Al "Sir Screamsalot" Pacino ruined it for earlier Al Pacino.

4. People who say F#$k Too Much

Fuck is a fine, fine word. But it needs to be used judiciously, sparingly, not all willy-nilly. Use it only in times of extreme anger or hair-pulling sex or if you’re David Mamet.

5. Britney Spears and Christina Aguilara

Britney Spears and Christina Aguilara ruined it for sexiness worldwide. They taught a generation of women that being over-the-top tawdry was the only way to go. Their sell-out "sexiness" became amplified to a cartoonish, grotesque proportion, therefore negating its appeal. Madonna had way more going on.

6. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

Speaking of cartoonish sexiness, when you’re bombarded by images of these two, it’s like eating too many cream-filled donuts. Enough already - they’re preternaturally gorgeous. I find it kind of disturbing, frankly. I think they may be aliens.

7. Mickey Mouse

Evil corporate mouse ruined it for the rest of his cool cartoon counterparts (Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, The Peanuts gang, Pink Panther.)

8. The song “Stand by your Man”

While not a person, a person sang it and generations of women believed that undying loyalty in the face of blatant betrayal and massively unmet needs showcases their doormat-like stick-to-itiveness.

9. Oprah Winfrey

Her sanctimonious manner and mammoth-sized ego ruined it for the likes of talk show hosts everywhere. Oh for the simplicity and intelligence of Phil Donahue/ She also ruined it for a lot of simple housewives who used to have minds of their own. And maybe somehow indirectly spawned the likes of Tyra Banks, who makes me want to light my hair on fire.

10. Sarah McLachlin, et. al.

Ruined it for chick rock in a big way. After her, we had to listen to years of wimpy, weepy, and neutered chick bands with no backbone and no balls. I'm not saying they're all bad per se...they just perpetuated a certain "too softness." Listen to Tori Amos (who is no Kate Bush) then listen to Heart (videos below - and yes, I know Heart hit their sucky phase later on.)

11. Geico Lizard, Spuds McKenzie, et. al.

These corporate creatures ruin it for animals worldwide. As do all the people who say, “Our dog thinks he’s human.” “Our dog is like our baby.” No, your dog is an ANIMAL. Don't make them human. Don’t dress them up, don’t make them sell car insurance or hawk cheap beer. Let them be animals and stop your needy projecting.

In short, it’s not cute when animals talk – it’s weird and unnatural. (Except for Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. That’s different...somehow. And Snoopy. Wait. Snoopy didn’t talk. Neither did the Pink Panther. See?)

12. Radio Morning Shows

Radio morning shows have ruined radio. (So has Clear Channel but that’s a whole other entry.) All radio morning shows suck, across the board. All of them except for Howard Stern in his heyday (think what you want about the man but he was ground breaker.) Morning shows have contributed to the destruction of the radio, which is a tragic thing. The spirit of the radio has been dying for a long, long time.

13. The Sopranos

The Sopranos have ruined it for New Jersey. Now a bunch of wannabes go around, smoking their cigars in their big, fat cars, thinking their sexist, indulgent and tasteless lifestyle is actually cool…and it’s not.

(Listen to the two-minute intro. It's worth it when the song opens up.)

The 26 or 27 Most Annoying Phrases of All Time

You hear them everyday. And perhaps you utter a few yourself. But they're annoying and need to be stopped. This is a campaign. Climb on board or be left to the sharks.

Thanks to the well-paid staff at Silly Lists of Nothingness for their contributions (Ruby, Joe, Anthony, Andy and Laura)

And as a SPECIAL BONUS, we've also included phrases that even though they are technically annoying, you can still get away with them.

The 26 or 27 Most Annoying Phrases of All Time

Smile.
(Said only to women. What do I look like, you're personal wind-up doll?)

Chill Out.
(Surefire way to make me want to bite someone's face off.)

Sweet!
(Frat boys invented this and it needs to die a fiery death.)

It’s all good.
(It's not. It's clearly not.)

Everything happens for a reason.
(Oh, shew. And here I thought it was unadulterated chaos.)

Don’t go there.
(Don't tell me what to do.)

Let's touch base.
(I still say this. But I cut myself when I do.)

Dude…
(Hanging around a bunch of surfers, I hear it constantly. Not your dude. Heard one surfer call his own mother a dude.)

You can’t (fill in the blank)!
(Said by people with teeny amounts of authority. "You can't sit there." Oh yes, I can. I might not be allowed. But I can. I can do anything I want. Watch!)

Could you not (fill in the blank)?
(Generally said by haughty, passive aggressive women.)

No offense but…
(No doubt an offense will directly follow.)

Classy!
(Just like "rock and roll", if you have to say it is, then it isn't so.)

You rock!
(Refer to above.)

Sorry but (fill in the blank)
(Sorry will NEVER go with BUT! Never! One or the other, man, one or the other.)

I’m not going to lie...
(Oh well, bully for you. Guess its my effin' lucky day.)

Um, can we talk?
(Cringing just typing that one out.)

Wait till your father gets home.
(My mother used this on me and it pretty much prematurely aged me a full decade.)

It is what it is.
(Really? Wow, deep.)

Not so much.
(As in: "I love heroin; my wife, not so much.")

Due diligence.
(Up there with "growing your business" and "leveraging.")

Just kiddding!
(Said in creepy, sing-songy way. Reply in same manner: "No you're not cuz it's not funny!")

NSA
(No strings attached - BULLSHIT!)

So what do you do?
(Always annoying when its the first thing out of someone's mouth upon meeting. I like to answer with "Wet myself.")

"You know what you should do?"
("Oh, PRAY tell! My very survival is dependent on it, I'm sure." Andy and I particularly hate this one.)

Well, that's different.
(As in "Well I guess your gonna think for yourself instead of following my path of mediocrity.")

To be honest....
(Usually followed by a blatant lie or a REALLY inconsequential personal factoid. "To be honest, I'd never wear a pair of red shoes at all no matter what season it is.")

Annoying Phrases You can still Get away with:

Smooth!
(Said in raspy voice while inhaling really strong weed or drinking tequila.)

What you talkin’ bout, Willis?
(Timeless classic. Go ahead. Use it today.)

You’re not the boss of me.
(Say it to anyone. Especially the boss of you.)

Bitch, please!
(Like a string of pearls, it goes with anything.)

Don’t tell me what to do.
(Perfect response to “Have a nice day.”)

Oh no you didn’t!
(With accompanying sassy head movement.)

Kiss my big, black ass.
(Big, black ass or not, give it a try. It's funnier sans black ass.)

Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill.
(From a horror movie...which one? Said in rapid, whispered, succession when you're angry and can't do anything about your situation.)

Word.
(Use by itself or "Word to the mother" or "Word to the mother ship" - all serve as urban versions of the dated "Right on, man." Also can be said in place of "Amen" at religious services.)

Whatever.
(A quick way to dismiss someone almost entirely in one fell swoop.)

Shut your piehole!
(Weird but workable.)

Takes one to know one.
(Childish, sure...but it still holds its weight. Also included: "I know you are but what am I?")

My ass and your face.
(In response to “Do you have a match?” I like using the inverse of “My face and your ass” for added weird effect.)

What a square!
(From the 50's. Used with finger demonstration. I'm trying to bring this one back.)

Your mother sucks cocks in hell.
(Another timeless classic, thanks to The Exorcist. And it's so true.)

To the Prince of Darkness!
(Used at formal celebrations when glasses are raised for a toast. Sure to raise an eyebrow or two.)

Your mother does what?
(This needs to be said quickly and almost unintelligibly, after someone has said something you didn’t quite understand.)

Suck it.
(Short and effective.)

There. I said it.
(After declaring your dislike for something insignificant. "I don't like Coldplay. There. I said it.")

Christ Almighty!
(Passed on from the generations, this one.)

For fuck's sake!

Your mother.
(Short and to the point. Anthony wants to bring this one back.)

Screw you!
(Insert full name or "asshole"! We lost "screw" somewhere back in the 70's. Time for resurrection.)

Not today, Sophia Loren, not today.
(Insert "asshole" or name of a famous person of the recipient's cultural heritage. i.e. "Not today Sophia Loren, not today." This was yelled by my friend Kimberly at the Italian team during the World Cup.)

Well, pardon my sarong, Harold!
(This was yelled to me many years ago by a homeless woman in NYC. She stopped walking, turned around to face me and shouted, apropos of nothing, "Well, pardon my sarong, Harold." It may be one of the most random experiences of my life. Use it in an "Well, excuse me!" fashion.)

The 16 Most Overrated Sex Acts of All Time

Here’s the long-awaited (by whom?) and much anticipated (oh really?) list of the most overrated sex acts of all time. You know, ideas that really seemed good at the time.

Thanks to our fine group of contributors and their astute commentary.



1. Sex on the Beach

“It works in the movie but in real life the beach is sandy, the temperature unpredictable, the mosquitoes, the jellyfish, the police…

“Even the drink sucks.”

2. Sex in Watery Places

(This includes hot tubs, baths and yes, even showers.)

“There’s a constant power play going on. Who gets to stand under the shower head? For how long? Then there’s that awkward changing of positions.”

“Hot tubs, ew. There’s a bacterial, chlorinated element that just shouldn’t be part of any sexual experience. Besides, lubrication is a good thing, not something you want to wash away.”

3. Porn Style Sex

“Porn sex is the Olympics of sex. Lots of head tosses, loud moans, constant flesh pounding. It’s more of an extreme sport than a sexual act. Getting banged hard and repeatedly can have its high points but limits as well.”

“Women lose sensation from too much rough sex. Most guys don’t realize that.”

“There should be a sub-category here for girls who have learned how to give head from watching porn. They try to do that head-corkscrew thing...gimme a break.”

4. One Night Stands


(There was a wide array of views on this. Some found one night stands to be quick, easy, carefree and hot. Others found them to be awkward.)

“Well there’s usually too much booze involved. And weird next morning regret.”

“Is she supposed to stay overnight? I don’t want her to stay overnight. What if she stays overnight?”

“I think it takes a little time to discover someone sexually. It’s kind of a long shot that it will all magically fall into place on the first or only night.”

5. Orgies

“Orgies are a total free-for-all and a little too diplomatic for my tastes. You can’t just say, ‘You get your hands off of me. But you, come here.’”

“There can be hurt feelings, big bellies and overall 70’s pervy weirdness.”

“They kind of gross me out.”

“Who has orgies anymore? Didn’t they fall out of vogue when Rome collapsed?”

6. Sex Involving Food

“Two great tastes that don’t taste great together.”

“Some guy poured hot fudge all over me once. It got all over my new sheets, my blankets…I could’ve killed him. I don’t even like hot fudge, man.”

“Food can be the sexiest thing ever…but before the act itself.”

7. Drug Addled Sex

“Drugs make you feel like the Superman of sex. Unfortunately they can also be the kryptonite. It’s like a sexual mirage in a desert…you want it soooo bad, but…you…just…can’t…get…it.”

“Coke makes you think totally unsexy things are sexy. Next thing you know, you’re asking some chick to hit you in the head with a frying pan to get off…gets real weird.”

8. Sex in Tight Quarters

This would include cars, bathroom stalls and coffins (when you house-sat for your friend whose family owns a funeral parlor.)

“Sex needs a little breathing room.”

“Just make sure the car doesn’t have a stick shift.”

"I had my first gay experience in a closet...how cliche."

9. Sex with a Really Hot Person

“Really hot people are notoriously lazy in bed. Just ask Nicolai in Paris, who had everybody’s head turning. I was so excited he wanted to be with me but when we finally were in bed together, he assumed this corpse-like position, as if to say, (in French accent) ‘You are lucky to have me. Do what you may! I am sleepy. I am pretty.’”

Giving up the need to have sex with a really hot person is how you know you a) are growing up and b) have had enough sex to be able to tell the difference.”

10. Sex involving Clothes Ripping

“Every once in a while, this caveman act works. But most of the time, I think, ‘You ass, you just ripped my good shirt. Ass.’”

11. Sex Involving Video Cameras

“It’s this little thing I like to call THE INTERNET!”

12. Sex on a Waterbed

A little dated at this point, but man, what a design backfire. The whole raison d’etre for a waterbed was hot sex yet it eluded you at every awkward oceanic turn.

13. Tantric Sex

“This is when white people do a lot of hair stroking and face-cupping. And scented candles. No thanks.”

“One guy I was with prided himself on never coming…or circular orgasming or something like that. Cut to 4 in the morning and I said ‘Dude, give it up. There’s a person down here who needs some sleep!’”

14. Sex with a Large Member

Now this one created a stir. Yes, size does count but the female jury states that width counts more, in the long run. A really large penis limits positions (“Ouch, that hurts. Not that way!”) And bladder infections are never sexy.

15. Sex with a Rock Star

“Well, there's the height factor. All rock stars are 5 feet tall, tops. It’s a well-known fact. Prince is only 3 foot 7 inches. There’s also the neurotic ego element that comes into play [see Sex with a Hot Person above.] Rock stars do make great masturbators, because of their extreme self-involvement. I guess its nice to know you can leave the room in the middle of it all; go make yourself a sandwich, watch TV, whatever. Chances are, you won’t be missed.”

16. Sex with the Legal but Young

“I don't really understand old guys with hot young girls (i.e. Hugh Hefner.) It involves a level of denial that I just can't sustain. I always think, "Don't they know how pathetic they look?" It doesn't seem sexy, it just seems sad.”

“I don’t think age matters much. I’ve been with young guys who seem really sexually savvy and much more ‘experienced’ guys who seem clueless. It all comes down to tuning into someone. If you can do that, it doesn’t matter what the age.”